Earthquake Nepal 2015 and my personal confession

Many years from now if someone would ask me what was it like experiencing the Earthquake of 2015 then I would not narrate them where I was and what I did and I would not explain how it felt. Instead I would tell them one thing and that one thing is -  "it changed me". Yes, this natural calamity changed me to my inner core. What changed me  wasn't the nerve wrecking  low humming sound of striking shock-wave which still rings my ear  nor  was it the terrifying experience of watching people running for their life and of course it wasn't the sight of death and destruction that ensued(which sounds cruel indeed. I guess I have become numbed with violence we witness everywhere ). But instead it was something more personal , something more to my heart.

All my life there is one thing that I have ever been proud of and that one thing is my devotion towards my family. Ever since my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's over ten years ago , I had forgone many  opportunities  and prospects just to be beside her. Over the course of time , that feeling of humbleness of taking care of her despite all the odds outgrew within me into something very  vile and  something very dark, a  feeling of moral superiority  .  In recent times I used to wear that smugness of self-righteousness on my sleeve, unabashedly like the selfie generation posing with victory symbol while doing charitable deeds.   But in one single jolt the earthquake wiped that  entire smugness off my face.

I was seating in front my laptop doing some busy work (yes, I work on Saturday as well . Isn't that pathetic?). And all of sudden I felt as if my feet were bobbing up on surface of water and not firm on ground. The tremor came with such a force that for instant you lose your entire faculty. And I knew that earthquake has struck. For a moment I thought of my mother in her bed . I couldn't decide whether to go and protect her and ensure her safety or try to run for my own life. And then I ran. I ran like a chicken that I was. And within a few seconds I was down to the ground.  After abandoning her  in third storey ,from the safety of my garden where the jasmine and rose were blooming with mellow sweetness I watched with horror how my house swayed with the tremor. And in that dreadful moment that lasted for few minutes I realized how hollow and how weak my resolve was. I felt empty, mute and impotent. It felt like eternity. Finally when it stopped I ran to top and into her room. And as usual my mother was smiling care free.  And when I saw myself in mirror I didn't see myself, but what I saw was a shell of arrogant guy struck by nature's whiplash.  I saw a broken man who abandoned someone he loved dearly in face of natural calamity. I was a just a sucker, a chickenshit who was taught  a hard lesson by nature that in this world there is no guarantees and damn there is no such thing as unwavering resolve. These crisis certainly  brings forth true color of people and sadly mine was yellow.

Now my personal lamentation in face of such crisis that has befallen over our nation is certainly  minuscule and it doesn't mean a diddly-squat. Many people have lost their lives, family, friends ,fortune and everything. This earthquake has certainly shown that it doesn't matter whether you are rich, poor, religious, agnostic, self-righteous or depraved; nature is always a great equalizer. The wound that this disaster has inflicted might heal with time but undoubtedly the scar will always remain. And this scar is a painful reminder to all of us that in life never take anything for granted. Live life right here and right now because this very moment you have can be usurped at any instant. Never think that your  job and your career  is important, what is important is how you make difference with your work and your job. Never think that earning money is important, what is more important is you didn't earned it on other's expense. Never make  your deadlines and your personal goals as your priority, they can always take back seat , what  really is important is telling your loved one how much you care. Because this moment might be lost in an instant. And for all those who survived this disaster lets extend our helping hand because our motherland really needs one.

Before this write-up bloviates into a self-loathing , boring preachy  monologue. I just want to say one thing at the end in lighter note, No matter how much advancement we have made in technology. Radio still rules.