Morning and Guilty thoughts

I like morning. Everything seems fresh, birds chirping and cool breeze in the air. I might have overstated it bit, cool breeze is thing of past. But still the breeze is better than the choking feeling you get in other time of day. It was a typical Saturday morning but it was bit different than the other time, different in the sense that I overslept. Usually I am up before the day break but today somehow I didn’t want to wake up. It’s been a long time since I slept this long. The thing is I feel kind of guilty whenever the sun rises before I rise. Of course, there is no such thing as sunrise it’s just that the side of planet where I live has started to face towards the sun that’s all. But I do like to believe that sun is starting to do his duty and I am always earlier than him. This competitiveness against sun makes me proud in some obscure way that I cannot say.

Anyway this morning was different. For the first time I deliberately relinquished the challenge of sun just for the comfort of warm blanket. The rain was beating on the glass pane of the window which was nearby my bed side. Watching rainfall without getting wet is really a comforting feeling. It was one of those early rains of monsoon season. The dark clouds were gathered and ominous down pour seemed eminent. The clouds blanketed the sun and I felt as if sun also felt the same way as I did and gave up the challenge for the day.

A black crow completely soaked and soggy was gazing towards me from the top of the ledge of my neighbor’s terrace. I felt kind of guilt that he wasn’t inside. But his indifference made me more uncomfortable as if he didn’t care for the nature’s wrath and he was more superior and strong willed than I am. Then I thought of course we human are weaker one, though we consider ourselves superior among all. Who knows what animals might think of us? This whole feeling of superiority is really callousness. How can we judge and put ourselves on the top, there is no objectivity in that. We haven’t been awarded this title of superior being by animal kingdom instead this is our self-proclaimed vanity. When I look at my dog I feel as if he is far more satisfied than I am in all the way. At least he isn’t bothered by anything and seems contented by everything he has. But look at us humans always worrying, always striving to achieve more. But what ever we achieve isn’t that made by man himself. Look at the money, it’s created by man and most desired item in anyone’s list. We judge peoples success with money, we feel inadequate because of money, we are taught to go after money and riches. Money buys everything we say but does it buy happiness. Of course not we all know that, ask any rich guy. But still we like to believe happiness can be bought. Look at the animals have you ever seen any animal running after money never have and perhaps never will. Even if there is life outside this planet, which is of course plausible, I don’t think these extra terrestrial will care for the green dollars or cold hard cash. That’s the difference; we run after the thing that we created and become miserable of our own doing. I remember in sixth grade I read a wise quote form ancient Sanskrit “Santosam parmam sukham”. That is contentment is greatest happiness but as George Orwell said “happiness is notoriously hard to define”, I felt puzzled by this paradox because we all know we can’t be contented. Being derelict of desire may lift us to heavens but how long can we be afloat.

These wise thoughts really were disappointing. I just squirmed in the bed and cover my face with pillow. The darkness under the pillow made me feel better. It was escapism from reality. There is nothingness in that darkness, no one to judge you, no one to praise you and no one to condemn you. You and your thoughts left alone from the outside world. Detached. But snooze hit me and the dream of worldly vanity grasped me and threw me to abyss of despair. I saw in my dream some one I know losing entire money he won in lottery and I became schadenfreude. Even the dreams are impure and the feeling of insensitive joy woke me up. No escapism there either. These invalid thoughts brought the feeling of resentment. I threw the pillow and looked outside again. It was still raining and the crow was still gazing. But his gaze turned into the stare and for a moment it seemed he was mocking at my desperation. It was less comforting, I was being judged by a stranger. And all of sudden the crow flew away.

I may never see that crow again. Even if I saw him, will I be able to recognize him, I wondered. The answer of course no, I have never been able to distinguish between two birds of same species what was I thinking. But more worrying aspect was that the crow was sole communion of my guilty secret. What if he will tell others and my depravity will be notoriously famous among crow community. Worst what if he becomes witness during my judgment day and he will vouch for my debaucheries. I wished I could tell him that I will edify my thoughts, but too late. All of sudden my bedroom where I had ensconced became a crime scene and witness is on loose. How ironic. My expectations looked grim and I promised myself I will try to redeem.

A low soothing music played outside of my room. The door was left ajar and the music penetrated. Entered my ear, processed within my brain, touched my heart and soothe my soul. It sang “sun just slipped its note on my door and I can’t hide beneath my sheets”. It was Norah Jones magical voice. How apt I thought and I was feeling the same way all over again. I was redeemed.